Yesterday Is Only a Verse in the Ballad of Life
by Andromeda Ascendant
Summary: Harper revisits a time in his life that haunts him, sharing it with a fellow crew member and friend. This is rated R for a reason, remember that.


Please Note: This piece of fan fiction is rated R for a reason. It contains some violent and sexual content. Reader discretion is advised.  
Disclaimer: Andromeda is property of Tribune Entertainment Inc.  
  
  
  
  
Harper was curled up on his bed in a fetal position, his eyes shut tightly. He fought the tears that tried to force their way out from under the closed lids. He wondered when one of his fellow crew members would arrive to chastise him for running from a formal reception in the manner he did. He would have stayed, but he just couldn't handle what had happened, the buried memories and closed wounds it opened.   
  
Only one of them had seen what had made him flee. He didn't know if he could trust her or not. He had known her for years, but a lesson he had learned in his earlier life was that you never really know another person. Trust was something he didn't just hand out, even to the woman that had saved him from the barren, decimated world he had called home.  
  
"Harper?" It was the voice he least wanted to hear--Beka's.  
  
He pretended to sleep, hoping she would take the hint and leave.  
  
"I know you're awake. And I'd like to know why you freaked out so much back there. Well, I know what seems to be the reason, but the Seamus Harper I know wouldn't run from it." She seated herself on the edge of his bed.  
  
"Then, you don't really know me," he whispered.  
  
"The ambassador just kissed you. I thought you wanted to get some..."  
  
He shook his head, forcing the images from his mind. His voice was still barely above a whisper. "I didn't think she really wanted me."  
  
"Is there something you haven't told me?" Her tone became more comforting, more motherly, as it had been in his early days aboard the Maru.  
  
"Didn't it occur to you that if I haven't told you, I've got a reason not to tell you?" He didn't move an inch, even though his legs were falling asleep.  
  
"Won't talking about it help? I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to," she offered.  
  
He considered what she said. "Maybe it would help," he finally responded. "And even if it doesn't, I don't think I can feel much worse than I do right now."  
  
"I'm all ears." She got up and pulled a chair across his quarters to a spot beside his bed.  
  
He opened his eyes and propped himself up on his elbows, facing her, before he let out a sigh. "It all started back on that hell hole you saved me from..."  
  
*****  
  
Seamus Harper walked quickly and rather discreetly on what remained of a sidewalk. His eyes darted around in a nearly paranoid fashion, but there was much to be paranoid about on Earth. Killers, thieves and Magog lurked in the shadows, waiting patiently for an opportune moment to strike. Nietzcheans patrolled the skies above, seeking humans to become their slaves or next conquest.   
  
"Pssst," a voice said from an alley he was practically running past. "I've got an opportunity for ya."  
  
Harper hurried by, knowing the "opportunity" would probably leave him beaten, raped, dead, or an inconceivable fate even worse. He heard footsteps behind him and increased his pace, fighting the urge to glance over his shoulder.  
  
"Seamus!" the voice hissed.  
  
This brought Harper to a complete halt in his tracks. If this man knew his name, he was probably at least acquainted with someone Harper knew. He spun around, his hand on the club he carried as a weapon in case he was wrong.  
  
"You want a ticket off of this hell hole?" the mysterious man asked.  
  
"Doesn't everyone?" His hand clenched the club tighter as the man approached.  
  
"If you've got a port, it's pretty damn easy to get outta here. And I know where to get one." The man stopped in front of Harper, reaching into his trench coat.  
  
Harper knew it could be a ploy to retrieve a weapon and remained very aware of the man's every action. "Why would you wanna help me of all people?"  
  
"'Cause I knew your dad. He was a good man, and I still owe him a few favors. Figured I'd pay them off with his only living relative--you. Y'know he really wanted a better life for you." The man retrieved a piece of paper from the coat's interior pockets. "This is the place."  
  
Harper read over the information. "A data port implant and the required surgical procedure for only six thousand thrones. Six thousand?!? Where am I gonna get that kind of cash?"  
  
"That's up to you, kid. But once you've got the port, you can find me here, and I'll keep my promise." The man turned around and started to walk away.  
  
"Thanks," Harper muttered to himself as he resumed walking in his quick pace.  
  
~~~  
  
"Where in the hell am I gonna get six thousands thrones?" Harper wondered aloud as he sat in the back corner of the bar.  
  
The bar was nearly empty, only four or five other regular drinkers and an arguing couple were there. He watched the couple stand, the argument growing increasingly heated. The man stomped off, and the woman slammed her chair under the table. She glanced around the bar, and her eyes immediately locked on Harper.  
  
"What an ass hole!" she said angrily as she plopped down in the chair across from him. She was tall, blond and looked rather sleazy even for the area, in Harper's opinion. "Can you believe that guy? I mean I'm the one that's supposed to walk out on him!"  
  
Harper just nodded, wishing he could concern himself with such petty things. "Yeah, he's sure got nerve walking out on a chick like you."  
  
"Hey, I haven't seen you around here before. Are you new in this part of town?" He realized her accent was local to the area, unlike his own.  
  
"Actually, I've been hanging around here for a while." He grinned at her.  
  
She returned the smile. "The name's Trixie. And you are..."  
  
"Seamus," he replied.   
  
"Since it doesn't seem like Gary's coming back, do you wanna take a walk, maybe check out my place down the block?" Her tone was casual, as if it was a completely normal thing.  
  
"Sure." He didn't come anywhere close to trusting her, but it was much better than just sitting in the bar sulking over his finances.  
  
They exited the bar together, venturing out into the bright afternoon sun. It was probably the most dangerous hour to be outside in the open. Even though the Magog were mainly nocturnal, the Nietzcheans preferred day raids. The Magog were more merciful than the Nietzcheans. Their torture lasted days while Nietzchean torture lasted year upon miserable year.  
  
"We're almost there. It's only two buildings down." She pulled a key out of her purse and ran towards the graffiti-covered door.   
  
Harper cringed at some of the phrases that had been written on the walls. "Man, whoever wrote that's got some serious issues!"  
  
The door was soon opened, and she gestured him inside. The small room was close to barren, with only a large bed in the corner and a trunk beside it. The door slammed behind him, and he watched her secure several locks. She turned around and hopped on the bed.  
  
"My price is-" she began before pausing to look him over again. "Nevermind. You're really cute. I'll do it for free."  
  
"Your price?" he asked, not realizing what she meant. It suddenly dawned on him. "Oh! I'm not into that."  
  
"You mean you've never..." She cocked her head at him.  
  
"Ummmmm, nope..." He felt the blush creeping over his face and realized what an idiot he must look like.  
  
"Oooooo...I like that. A lot. You're not interested, though, are you?" she asked, rather disappointed.  
  
"I can't say that I am. I mean you're pretty and all but-"  
  
"What if I give you 50 thrones?" She pulled the money from her shoe. "I really want you, Seamus."  
  
The prospect of being fifty thrones closer to his goal of six thousand was very appealing. More appealing than following the morals his parents had given him and finding someone he actually loved. "For fifty thrones, your wish is my command, babe."  
  
*****   
  
"You lost your virginity for a measly fifty thrones?" Beka asked incredulously.  
  
"It wasn't something I planned on doing. I didn't know what she was when I followed her. I mean, it was money, and I really needed the money," he defended himself.  
  
"How old were you?" Her tone changed to a more sympathetic one.  
  
"Barely seventeen." He seemed ashamed of that fact.  
  
"You were still just a kid..." She was unsure of what to say.  
  
"Every single day it was more likely that I was gonna die. Nietzcheans and Magog don't give a damn about whether you're a kid or not. I wasn't gonna let six thousand thrones stand between me and a chance to have a life like the one I have here."   
  
"I understand. I'd do a lot of things to get off of Earth if I was there, but I don't know if I'd go that far...was it worth the fifty thrones you got for it?" she asked.   
  
"Well, it was and it wasn't..." he started explaining.  
  
*****  
  
Seamus Harper was jarred from his light sleep by someone. For a moment, he didn't remember what had happen, but it did eventually hit him. He didn't know how to react.  
  
"Get up and get dressed! You've gotta get outta here now!" She shoved his clothes and the fifty thrones into his arms.  
  
He started putting on his clothes and pocketed the money in a groggy state. "Why do I have to leave now?"  
  
"He's comin' over, and he'll kill you if he sees you here. Hurry up! He'll be here any second!" She pushed him out the door the second he had his pants on.  
  
He quickly pulled his shirt on, the cold night air biting his bare skin and awakening his senses. It also had the unfortunate side effect of awakening his mind to what had really happened, what he had done. It started out as a slight pang of guilt, but escalated quickly into guilt like he had never felt before. His mother and father drifted into his mind. He wondered how ashamed they would be of him for selling his body.  
  
"You wouldn't want me to die on this hell hole like you did," he said to himself, trying to justify what he did in his mind. It worked momentarily, but he was soon experiencing that unprecedented guilt again.  
  
He trudged back to the tiny room he had been living in for the past few weeks and fell onto his makeshift bed, not even bothering to lock the door. Exhaustion started to overwhelm him, but not before he had a chance to replay the past evening in his mind several times.  
  
~~~  
  
"I feel like shit." Vivid nightmares had haunted Harper in his sleep, not allowing the guilt to escape him.  
  
He opened his eyes and glanced at the unlocked door. "I'm so freakin' lucky that no one decided to break in and kill me in my sleep. Or maybe I'd rather be dead right now."  
  
He forced himself to sit up on the edge of his bed. He ran his fingers over the fifty thrones. It was geniune currency, slightly sparkly if the light hit it at the right angle. Two small discs, twenty-five thrones a piece, for something he could only lose once in his life. It seemed like an unfair exchange when he reflected on it.  
  
"I need a drink," he mumbled to himself as he exited the room.  
  
It was late afternoon and relatively quiet on the streets. Too quiet. He remained alert and aware of all that surrounded him. The bar wasn't very far, only two streets away. He entered it, to find it more crowded than it usually was. The usual patrons were there, plus several women he hadn't seen before. He made his way back to his usual table and sat down, staring at the cold metal.  
  
"Hey, we heard that you were a lot of fun, if you catch my drift." One of the women approached him.  
  
He lifted his head and looked at her. She was similar to Trixie, only a brunette. "Yeah," he said. "What about it?"  
  
"My friends and I would like to do some business." She raised her eyebrow suggestively at him.   
  
He felt the guilt stinging and burning inside of him, but ignored it. "How much?"  
  
"There are four of us. A hundred thrones each," she said softly.  
  
He nodded and exited the bar with the women. His thoughts were concentrated on the data port and his escape from Earth, trying to override the guilt.  
  
*****  
  
"And it went on exactly like that for a few months. I earned about half of what I needed for the data port, but felt like subhuman sludge the entire time," Harper said.  
  
"How many different women did you...uhhhhhhh-" Beka asked.  
  
"Hundreds. I couldn't give you an exact count." His eyes dropped to stare at the floor.  
  
"What happened after those few months?" She wondered if she actually wanted to know.  
  
"Things changed, and I can't say that it was for the better," he continued.  
  
*****  
  
Seamus Harper was renowned in the general vicinity he was beginning to call his home for his services. Many of the less reputable characters in the area flocked to find him. Harper despised the publicity for something so negative and wished that he could get a more positive prestige, like for his blossoming engineering skills. The guilt had subsided somewhat over the passage of time, though. He was coming to accept that this was the fastest way to acquire six thousand thrones.  
  
"3425," he finished counting the thrones he had earned thus far. "I'm over halfway off this planet."  
  
He stashed the money in a practically unbreakable lockbox that he had partially buried in the floor under his bed. It was getting late, and he knew it was time for him to work again. He sighed and headed to the bar again. It had practically become his second home. The owner knew about the illegal services being performed, but he had no complaints due to his own increased business.  
  
On his way to the bar, he ran into an ugly middle-aged man in a leather jacket. "I'm interested in some of your services."  
  
"I only accept women's offers," Harper said.  
  
"What about a thousand thrones for it?" The man held out the money.  
  
Harper paused, realizing that this was a rare offer and would bring him much closer to getting off the planet. It didn't appeal to him in the slightest, though. It actually apalled him, but he couldn't bring himself to refuse. "Show me the way," he eventually responded.  
  
*****  
  
"I became the delight of freaks all over Earth--women, men, aliens that I didn't even know the name of their species. Everyone called it 'services' or 'business' but that's not what it was. I was selling my body to total strangers to do with as they pleased. Y'know what I did needs a whole new word since kinky or perverted or anything else I can think of doesn't say the half of it. I hated myself for it, Beka. I still do." He took a deep breath.  
  
"Don't hate yourself, Harper. You're a good person, and your heart is in the right place. You just wanted to get off of Earth. And no one can blame you for that," Beka comforted him.  
  
"I could have done it more honestly. I knew how to do basic repairs," he said.  
  
"And you'd still be on Earth or dead for the money those make. Did you eventually earn the six thousand thrones?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah, I did," he replied.  
  
*****  
  
It had been seven months since Harper had met Trixie in the bar. Seven months he wanted to forget forever. He had meticulously counted his money over and over again. He came up with over six thousand every time. He didn't feel like celebrating, though. He pulled out the address he was given by the man in the trenchcoat that knew his father.  
  
"It's not far from here." He picked up the lockbox and stuffed all of the thrones into a pillowcase, which he stuffed in his coat. "I hope I don't run into any Nietzcheans on the way."  
  
The walk to the secret facility was short, but probably the longest walk of his life to that point. He did reach it, however, and without incident. He entered the building and went into the basement, as the card instructed him to do. There were several men and women in lab coats talking over coffee.  
  
"Who sent you here?" one of them asked.  
  
"A man in a trenchcoat that knew my dad. I don't know his name, but here's the card he gave me." Harper handed them the card.  
  
"David. Do you have the six thousand thrones?" another of the scientists asked.  
  
"Yeah." He pulled out the pillowcase with the thrones in it and dropped it on the table. "Count it yourselves. There's six thousand there."  
  
He waited half an hour while every last throne was counted. "Sit down."  
  
Harper plopped down in an empty chair. "So, when do I get the port?"  
  
"We have one in the back, but there are a few tests we have to run to make sure you are data port material."  
  
"I gave you the money. I don't care what you consider 'data port material.' I want the port now," Harper said with an edge to his voice.  
  
"There's a high rejection rate. You don't want to die, do you?"   
  
"I don't want to live on this hell hole anymore. I've spent the past seven months almost killing myself to get the money for the port. Now, give me the damn thing!" His anger and frustration was being released.  
  
"There are many possible side effects, none of them pleasant," one of the scientists warned.  
  
"I don't care." Harper's stare was cold.  
  
"Then, let's go to the operating room, and I'll prep you for the procedure."  
  
~~~  
  
Harper felt as if his entire body was on fire when his eyes opened. He groaned in pain when he tried to move. 'Nietzchean torture?' he thought.  
  
"He's awake!" someone said.  
  
"You mean he actually lived through that?" a surprised voice asked.  
  
"Damn straight I'm alive," he muttered. "Where am I?"  
  
"Get some water. He's dehydrated," the first voice said.  
  
"Of course," the second voice replied.  
  
"It's been a week since your data port surgery, and it didn't look like you were going to make it. But you've obviously pulled through somehow." A male scientist stood in front of him.  
  
"Here's the water." A female scientist entered the room and brought the water over to him.   
  
He didn't have the strength to get the glass from her, so she ended up holding it for him while he sipped it. "Thanks. So, when can I leave?"  
  
"You aren't even strong enough to lift a glass yet, and you're talking about leaving?" Both scientists laughed.  
  
"Well, I've gotta go see the trenchcoat guy and talk to him again now that I've got my port," Harper said.  
  
"Oh," the female scientist said, her expression growing grim.  
  
"What's wrong?" Harper asked.  
  
"He was killed in a raid two days ago. We're very sorry," the male scientist said.  
  
"Then what good is this stupid port? I thought it was my key off of this hell hole." He was angry, but too tired and weak to show it.  
  
*****  
  
"That's a tough break, Harper. You go to all that trouble to get the port, and then the guy dies," Beka commented.  
  
"Yeah, well, life sucks. I've learned to deal with it," Harper said.  
  
"So, you were almost eighteen then. But that's obviously not the end of the story, since I'm the one that rescued you when you were twenty."  
  
"Nope, it's not the end yet. There's still more in store for me, unfortunately."   
  
*****  
  
Three weeks passed, and Harper learned how to use his data port without screaming in agony. He downloaded everything the facility had on engineering, as well as some basic education that he had missed during his childhood. The scientists were surprised at how willing he was to endure the pain for the sake of learning.  
  
"I'm feeling almost back to my old self again," Harper said to Jessica, the chief scientist.  
  
"You're ready to leave at any time, but it's going to be a shame to see you go. You've really livened things up here," she said with a smile.  
  
"I've gotta go put this data port to good use and find myself a job, or I would stay here." He smiled back at her.  
  
"There's no way I can convince you to stay here and help out?" She began examining his port.  
  
"Nope. I've got my sights set on being an engineer off of this planet." He winced as she gently felt the skin around the port.  
  
"It's going to be sensitive for a few more weeks, but it will return to normal after that." She put up her equipment.  
  
He hopped off of the examining table and hugged her. "Thanks for everything."  
  
"I'm going to miss you." She let the hug linger for several moments.  
  
"I'll miss you, too. Tell everyone bye for me, okay?" He turned around as he put his hand on the doorknob.  
  
"I will. Will you come back and visit us sometime?" she asked.  
  
"We'll see." Harper smiled at her as he walked out the door.  
  
~~~  
  
Harper decided he would never return to his former residence or that bar again. He was finished with that line of work for good. He needed to move to another of the few remaining cities. He hadn't ventured far from that city, though, and if you didn't know where you were going, you became an easy target for Magog.  
  
"Seamus, we haven't seen you for a few weeks. We thought the Nietzcheans or Magog got you." He turned around to see one of his former customers.  
  
'I wish you still thought that,' he thought. "Well, I've been busy, that's all. And I've got somewhere to be right now."  
  
"We aren't going to let you get away this easily. You've been denying us. We don't like it when our favorite toy is taken away." Several of his other former customers emerged from behind her.  
  
"Oh shit." He broke out into a run, hearing their footsteps following behind him. Since he still wasn't completely healthy, he ran out of breath more quickly than they did, and was caught.  
  
"You're going to give us what we want, or we'll take it from you." Their eyes all burned with anger and lust.  
  
~~~  
  
Harper woke up in severe pain. He shivered from the cold and the stone under his back. It was late, shortly before dawn. He suddenly realized why he was so cold--he was naked. His instinct was to try to stand, but he was in too much pain. He was completely vulnerable, unable to even roll over. He wondered if a Nietzchean or Magog would find him in this state and end his life after he finally had the data port.   
  
"Seamus?" The voice was familiar. It was Jessica's. "Oh my god! Who did this to you?"  
  
"I don't even remember what happened to me," he said.  
  
She leaned over him, examining the wounds. "We have to get you back to the facility before these get infected."   
  
"I can't get up. It hurts too much." He grabbed the hand she offered him.  
  
She supported his weight and managed to get him up on his feet. "You don't remember anything after you left the facility?"  
  
"Nope." His feet dragged behind him, unwilling to move.  
  
"I'm going to have to carry you. You're really thin, so I think I can do it...but I might drop you." She lifted him from behind his knees.  
  
"Ouch!" He groaned in pain.  
  
"I'm sorry. We'll be there soon, and I'll make it stop hurting." Her comfort eased the pain.  
  
"I'm so tired..." He yawned.  
  
"Go to sleep, Seamus. Go to sleep..." Her words ushered him into a light sleep.  
  
~~~  
  
The memories returned in his sleep. Running from his former customers and tripping. He refused to cooperate, but they tied him down using nearby utility posts. They ripped off his clothes and laughed at his humiliation. And for public display to those who were passing, violated him in every way possible. They abused him physically and mentally, all the time laughing. They mocked the tears that came to his eyes, his pain. They insisted it was his fault, that he had been the instigator by denying them before.  
  
Their laughter haunted him. They laughed as if it meant absolutely nothing to scar him as they did. Then, they left him for dead after cutting his bonds. Their laughter continued as they strolled down the street. The pain went beyond what he could handle, and he fell into sweet unconsciousness where there was no laughter or humiliation.  
  
"Wake up, Seamus," Jessica's voice lulled from his sleep.  
  
"It was terrible...and they laughed at me like I was some sort of freak show." He trembled.  
  
"They? You were subjected to that sort of abuse from more than one individual?" she asked.  
  
"There were seven of them, I think. Maybe more. It all became a blur at one point...just the laughter was clear. Make them stop laughing, Jessica." His eyes begged her to do something.  
  
"This will make them stop laughing," she said, injecting him with a syringe filled with a clear liquid.  
  
The lights started to fade before he knew what was happening.  
  
*****  
  
Beka was silent. She slid her arm around him, realizing how painful his memories were.   
  
"I'm a bad person, Beka," he said eventually. "A really bad person."   
  
"No, you aren't a bad person-"  
  
"You can't tell me a whore who could have done something else is a good person. You don't know what I did. I mean-"  
  
"You're a good person with a misguided past. It can happen to anyone." She patted him gently with her hand.   
  
"But there's still more before we met. More that makes me an even worse person."   
  
*****  
  
Harper spent weeks recovering, watching scars from the incident forming while Jessica tried to play the role of psychiatrist, doctor, and friend. The other scientists occassionally popped in to wish him well and ask how he was recovering, but he spent the vast majority of his time with Jessica.  
  
"You're getting so much better, Seamus," Jessica said.  
  
"I guess that's good." He sighed.  
  
She hugged him gently. "Of course it's good! Once you're well enough to leave the facility, I think I know a place you can stay so those people won't ever hurt you again."  
  
Harper hadn't told her why they had hurted her or that he had known them. She didn't need to know what he had done with his life before the surgery. "Where?"  
  
"It's about twenty or thirty miles from here. When I'm not working, I live there. I have a spare room, and I could really use the company. It's a lonely place." She seemed very happy about her plans.  
  
"I don't know, Jess. I mean we haven't known each other that long. I'll think about it, okay?"   
  
Her look became more downcast. "I understand. Tell me when you've made your decision."  
  
~~~  
  
The clinic couch became Harper's bed for a while. Days passed into weeks, and eventually he lost count. His days were spent assisting the scientists and working on his engineering projects and his nights were spent fighting the nightmares. It had been an ordinary day. The sun was setting and everyone was going to their respective home or apartment.  
  
Harper had fallen asleep early that night, but he was a light sleeper and easily jarred by any noise. A crashing awakened him, and he was immediately on his guard.  
  
"Harder!" a voice screamed from outside. This was followed by another crash.  
  
Harper realized someone was trying to break in. His mind was racing, wondering if it was his former customers back for another round of 'Scar Harper for Life.' He glanced up by the couch and saw a small window. He jumped up and opened it, pushing his body through as the door was broken down.  
  
He watched sadly as the trespassers destroyed the facility, all of the scientists' work. He wanted to intervene, save what meant the most to the people that were the sole reason he was still alive. Once they had completely wrecked the area, they set it on fire.   
  
"Let's get out of here!" one of them yelled as they all ran out the back door.   
  
Harper realized that was in his direction and hid behind a garbage bin. He glared at them as they passed. It was a group of flash fried punks, no older than he was. Somehow, he had wished it was his former customers. It would have given him another reason to kill them.  
  
The blaze jumped from the facility, lighting the early night. He stared at it, wondering how something so beautiful could be so destructive. His memories of the couple of months he spent in the facility became bittersweet in his mind.  
  
"There goes my home," he whispered as it was finally completely consumed by the flames.  
  
~~~  
  
"What happened, Seamus?" Jessica asked from behind him.  
  
He had spent the entire night watching the building become rubble. "Some flash fried guys trashed the place and then burned it. I couldn't do anything to stop them..."  
  
"They didn't do anything to you, did they?" She started looking over him.  
  
"They didn't even see me, Jess. There were seven or eight of them, all on flash. I was no match for that."  
  
"We've got no facility. All of our years of work is gone." The tears welled up in her eyes as she leaned down over the rubble.  
  
"You've still got your minds. It isn't impossible to start over again..." he tried to comfort her.  
  
"Yeah, it is. We lost our lead researcher eight months ago. Without his records, we have nothing." The tears spilled over.  
  
"It'll be okay," he whispered as he leaned down and hugged her.  
  
"I don't want to come back here ever again," she said.  
  
He nodded. "Do you wanna go home?"  
  
"Come with me. I don't want to be alone."   
  
They stood and walked away from the pile of rubble.  
  
~~~  
  
Harper began living with Jessica, seeing as he had no real choice in the matter due to the fire and his own apartment being in a dangerous area. Her home was the coziest one he had ever seen. It had three rooms, two bedrooms and an entry room that also acted as a kitchen.  
  
Several days had passed since the fire, but Jessica still hadn't come anywhere near recovering. She emerged from her bedroom in a robe. "Good morning, Seamus."  
  
"Actually, it's afternoon." He poured a cup of tea from the stove and handed it to her before sitting down on the couch.  
  
"Thank you." She sipped the tea. "How are you?"  
  
"I was about to ask you the same question. And I'm all right." He moved over and made room for her on the couch.  
  
"I miss everything. It's not going to be the same." She sighed.  
  
"It can be close to the same! I'll help you build some new equipment, and we'll bring the other scientists back here."   
  
"Most of them are already off planet by now. I'm pretty much the only one left, Seamus. I've lost my family."   
  
"I can relate to you there, Jess. I don't have any family left. The Magog or Nietzcheans got 'em all and then the one or two that were left ended up killing themselves."   
  
"I didn't know...I'm an orphan myself, but the family that took care of me is still alive and well." Her hand moved to hold his.  
  
He leaned his head on her shoulder. "I do miss them...but, hey, at least we've got each other."  
  
~~~  
  
Their friendship grew stronger, and they became colleagues in invention. Jessica was experienced in coming up with ideas, and Harper proved to be an excellent engineer. Their inventions were often sold to provide the finances for new inventions and to live. They were most likely the wealthiest people that had lived on Earth their entire lives. Soon through workly so closely, they were completing each others' sentences and ideas. Harper allowed her to be close to him. She was the first he had allowed since his family had died. They were both very content with their lives, even though they were still on Earth.  
  
On an evening like most others, Jessica had prepared dinner--Harper's favorite dish, pizza. They began eating together on the couch, while Harper explained the schematics strewn over the table and floor around them.  
  
"All we have to do is modify one of the scanners I've already built to pick up the lifesigns, understand?" Harper asked.  
  
"Yeah. That's actually a really good idea and probably a big seller. I'm surprised I didn't think of it myself," Jessica replied with a smile.  
  
"You did...remember what you said?" Harper asked.  
  
"We're one mind," she said with him. "I do remember, Seamus."  
  
He grinned at her and took a bite of his pizza. "It won't take more than a couple of days to modify eight or nine scanners."  
  
She glanced up from the schematics at him to see he had pizza sauce around his mouth. "Let me get that for you."   
  
She leaned down and started to wipe away the sauce. She found herself moving closer to him, and before they knew what had happened, they were kissing. It soon led them back onto the couch. As their clothes were beginning to be shed, Harper's mind was filled with the memories of the life he had abandoned. Of what his former customers had done to him on that street months ago. He choked and suddenly stopped.  
  
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Jessica asked with concern.  
  
"I can't...we can't do this." He pulled his shirt back on and took a couple of steps away from the couch.  
  
"Why not?" She moved closer to him again, only for him to back away.  
  
"I don't want to ruin our friendship," he nervously lied. "I mean you can't have sex and friendship. Just doesn't work that way."  
  
"What's one night going to hurt?" She smiled at him. "Come back over here. I won't bite...hard."  
  
"One night could ruin everything. Hey, ummmmmm...I need to take a shower anyways." He hurried towards the bathroom.  
  
"We could take one together," she offered.  
  
"I don't think that's a good idea," he said, closing the door and locking it behind. He turned on the shower to make it sound like he was taking one, but just sunk down to the floor and buried his head in his hands.  
  
*****  
  
"I ran off later that week, after avoiding her, leaving her a note that I found a job somewhere and that I couldn't bring myself to tell her in person. I ended up in the city where you found me a couple of years later, living through hell all over again," Harper said.  
  
"So, you haven't been with anyone since then?" Beka asked.  
  
"I haven't even kissed anyone after Jessica. When the ambassador kissed me, well, I freaked out because of all that stuff I told you," Harper admitted.  
  
"And you chasing after all these women in the past, Deidre, Elsbett, the Castalian security officer?"   
  
"I know they don't want me, and that's why I do it. It makes it seem like I'm trying when I'm actually not."   
  
"So, you don't have any desire to be with someone?" Beka couldn't seem to believe it.  
  
"I have, but..." He stopped and sighed. "Who would want to be someone with a past like mine? Someone that's so scared of being in an actual real relationship..."  
  
"You think I haven't done things I'm ashamed of? I'm a flash addict for life. That goes with me everywhere all the time. I still feel the need for it, Harper. We've all done things that we aren't proud of. And whoever you decide to get in a relationship with will understand that you're flawed like everyone else. That you've made mistakes...as you said before, you never really know a person."  
  
"No, you don't..." He stared at Beka and found himself almost laughing at the thought that he didn't really know any of these people he had spent years with. No one else had to know his secret, either. He could have a new beginning, just like she had with her flash addiction. "Beka?"  
  
"Yeah?" she asked.  
  
"Let's go back down to that reception. I've got an ambassador to talk to," he said, with a grin.  



End file.
